SweaterFest 2012 comes to Bibleburg

The would-be Sweater Vest-in-Chief, Rick “Man On Dog” Santorum, is bringing his clown act back to Bibleburg this morning.

The Frothy One has garnered the endorsement of fundamentalist windbag Jimmy Dobson and other local wingnuts and is expected to do well here in today’s caucus because the Bibleburg wing of the GOP loves nothing better than some bad noise from a pudgy loser (yes, I’m looking at you, Dougie Bruce).

In fact, if the pope’s bestest little soldier cares to stick around until the 13th, he can catch Bruce’s sentencing for his conviction upon (among other things) filing a false return, evading state taxes, attempting to influence a public servant and failing to file returns between 2005 and 2010. Good times.

Meanwhile, the venue for today’s SweaterFest seems appropriate. It’s The Depot, a failed restaurant turned “events center” that’s conveniently located just a stone’s throw from the Marion House Soup Kitchen, which serves the refugees from our last Republican administration.

Very few sweater vests in that congregation, the members of which are still waiting for life to begin after conception.

Bringing the crazy

Since the Communists are mostly historical curiosities, maybe it's time to register The Crazy. Especially if they own firearms.

As a resident of Bibleburg, I am most definitely living in a glass house when it comes to throwing my little stones. We are zoned for dingbattery here on a commercial scale, welcoming the likes of Industrial Christianity, Doug Bruce and Michelle Malkin with open arms, both of them on the right side of our sociopolitical body.

But no matter how powerful is the champ, there will always be contenders. Like Rutherford County, Tenn., where District 6 House candidate Lou Ann Zelenik (The Crazy) cites Martin Luther King in her opposition to a Muslim community center. (Full disclosure: I am related by marriage to more than a few residents of Tennessee, and while they are all batshit crazy, at least the majority of them are Democrats.)

Then there’s North Carolina, where Rep. Sue Myrick (The Crazy) says Hezbollah is partnering with Mexican drug cartels and may be planning “Israel-like car bombings of Mexican/USA border personnel or National Guard units.”

Leave us not forget Texas, where The Crazies want to reinstate sodomy laws, end the state lottery and federal sponsorship of pre-kindergarten schools, require that evolution and global warming “be taught as challengeable scientific theory,” and demand that Congress get US out of the UN — an old John Birch Society maxim once seen on billboards in these parts — and evict the global body from our shores.

The Birchers once opposed the fluoridation of the nation’s water supplies as a Communist plot to poison America. Maybe it’s time to start spiking the fluoride with a little lithium.