Flying Dog, or from fire to flood

Took a break from Le Tour today, mostly, though I did lend a hand to Charles “Live Update Guy” Pelkey over at Red Kite Prayer as he followed the stage for fun and profit. You already know what happened: Turns out Cav’ don’ need no steenkeeng choo-choo to win stages.

But first I had to shuttle Herself to the Greater Bibleburg Interdimensional Airport once again. This time she’s trading fire for flood, jetting to Maryland to visit family … kinfolks who only just yesterday got their power back on. So, yeah. Good times, is what. She’ll be sampling some Flying Dog ale straight from the source — who knew the outfit was based in Frederick, Md.? — and will report back to us.

Here’s hoping she won’t need an Igloo and a sack of cubes to keep it cold. I bet they’re running short of that sort of thing in my home state.

El Fabuloso nearly does the double

We even got a little rain today. Not much, but every little bit helps.

Faboo the Fast just about caught everyone napping in the finale to stage 1. The yellow jersey popped off the front, but Peter Sagan was watching and came along for the ride, followed by Edvald Boasson Hagen.

Sagan did the smart thing, which was to stick to Cancellara like a decal until just before the line, then nip around for the win. Mr. Fab’ got second and kept The Big Shirt. Eddie van Hagen held on for third.

The Slovak strongman’s victory celebration was a tad affected, prompting the following tweet from @cycletard: “Memo to Peter Sagan, the Village People want their dance back.” Ouch.

I almost missed the finale — the power went out in a sizable portion of the neighborhood for reason(s) unknown (perhaps Michelle Malkin’s Massey Ferguson diesel dildo overpowered the grid) and Colorado Springs Utilities was estimating it might take a couple of hours to get everyone back on line.

Happily, we had juice for the final kilometers, and I got to see a rare sight indeed — a yellow jersey on the attack. Good times.

Speaking of which, the smoke eaters are making progress on the Waldo Canyon fire. It’s a long way from out, but containment is at 45 percent and some evacuees are getting into their neighborhoods for a look-see. Those who still have homes standing may have to wait a while to take up residence again — some extensive reconstruction of utility infrastructure will be required.

Fab and not so fab

Mr. Fab is back, taking the V in today’s Tour prologue ahead of a massively focused Bradley Wiggins, who nearly stole the show.

Not so fab is the word that scumbags have been burgling and/or trashing the homes and vehicles of evacuees from the Waldo Canyon fire.

Now, call me intolerant, but I find that intolerable. It’s not bad enough that Hell comes to town and rousts you out of your bed, sets you on the road with whatever you can stuff into a bag before it catches fire? Nope, we must have a little human deviltry to give it some edge.

I can’t think of an epithet vile enough for such people. Grave robbers seem positively civilized by comparison. At least their victims are beyond any need for TVs, toasters and whatnot.

It makes one yearn for the sort of rude Western justice often meted out in horse operas. Unfortunately, the fire has left us short of trees for hangings.

This blows

We’ve had a break in the heat but little respite from the winds, and the Waldo Canyon firefighters would really appreciate a bit of the latter.

Said incident commander Rich Harvey: “I’d like to start by saying, I hate wind. I wish it would go away.”

Also, rain, please, and plenty of it. Thanks in advance.

Meanwhile, no fear here at Chez Dog. Today Herself volunteered for an extra shift at the Humane Society of the Pikes Peak Region, which is boarding critters in the crisis. And I banged out a little word count on some area bicycle folks who’ve lost individual pursuits to the blaze. The worst of it around our little pied-à-terrier is smoke and ash.

A couple friends have lost their houses, and others are couch-surfing while they await word. One local official taken on a tour of the area hit hardest said entire blocks are gone.

So, yeah, what’s a little smoke and ash? I’ve seen worse at Interbike.

More as it happens.

Ash Wednesday

Goooooood morning, Bibleburg!

Well, not so much. A bunch of people lost their houses last night — no idea how many — 32,000 Bibleburgers are on the run, and we’re looking at another hot, windy day, which is good for the Waldo Canyon fire but not so good for anyone else.

There’s a chance of thunderstorms, but a thunderstorm is what got us into this latest pickle, driving the fire down Queens Canyon to the Mountain Shadows neighborhood. Another storm lit up a few hundred acres around Boulder. Theirs, like ours, has multiple-personality disorder and is burning in any number of directions. So it’s not like anyone’s jumping for joy at the thought of Thor swinging his hammer unless Odin is taking a good long beer piss while Junior gets his workout.

We’re south and east of the evacuation zone and the worst we’ve had to face is the smoke from the remains of our neighbors’ hopes and dreams, with a little ash-fall for dessert. We’ll keep you posted. And thanks for all the emails, tweets and Facebook posts inquiring as to our safety. We’re still on the right side of the grass and it’s not on fire yet.

But I’d sure hate to see this lovely old neighborhood burn. I’ve lived in a whole bunch of places and this is the only one that’s truly felt like home. So please to commence your rain dances with all possible haste. That is all.

Don’t freak out …

… we’re OK, but a lot of folks aren’t. A burst of 65-mph winds drove the fire downhill into northwest Bibleburg and it set about gobbling up houses like a stoner does potato chips.

There’s a mandatory evacuation in place for basically everything north of I-25/Garden of the Gods, which is about 15 minutes by bike from Chez Dog. But it seems as though the winds have abated. I’m trying to confirm with Satan that he’s not foreclosing on that mortgage he holds on my soul, but I keep getting voice mail.

I’ll keep you posted while we try to figure out what we can’t live without, just in case.

Smoke gets in your eyes

Ordinarily Mr. Boo would be fetching that orange squeaky toy from room to room, demanding playtime (squeaka squeaka squeaka), but it’s too damned hot to play Squeaker of the House today.

Deadlines have been eating up my mornings and record temperatures and smoke have been smothering my afternoons. I had to close all the windows for much of yesterday as a waterless thunderstorm up around Peckerwoodland Park shoved the plume from the Waldo Canyon fire right through downtown Bibleburg.

This morning all the varmints are stretched out on various bits of floor, trying to stay cool. It’s already 82 inside the house, so this is pretty much a lost cause.

Buddy (a.k.a. Mr. Boo) is not amused. Of our three critters he is the one most affected by heat. Turkish just flattens out until he looks like a big white throw rug with blue eyes, turning himself into a radiator. Miss Mia Sopaipilla simply naps more. But Mr. Boo insists on conducting business as usual and it always ends badly.

For example, this morning he was eager for a walk. And for about 30 seconds he even enjoyed it. After that it was just like walking a dog, only in slow motion. I’m going to buy a skateboard and henceforth shall tow him behind me like a hairy, bug-eyed little trailer.

It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity, part 2

The Waldo Canyon fire, as seen from a couple blocks west of Chez Dog.

Sonofabitch. Now we’ve got a live one encroaching upon greater cosmopolitan Bibleburg.

Dubbed the Pyramid Mountain fire, it started somewhere near Waldo Canyon and is already estimated at some 600 acres. An assortment of mandatory and voluntary beat-it orders are in place for west- and north-siders, but at the moment it seems the prevailing winds are pushing the thing north and west, so Your Humble Narrator is not in danger — at the moment, anyway — of becoming a hot dog, har har.

The fire has been declared a federal emergency, and renowned feddle-gummint rassler Dougie Lamborn (R-Hypocrisy) reportedly “stands ready to assist if federal resources are required.” In light of the serious nature of the event I’ll refrain from delivering the obvious ironic rimshot.

More as we hear it.

• Late update: The fire is now officially named for Waldo Canyon (no “Where’s Waldo? jokes, please), and late word is that it’s torched a couple thousand acres and displaced about as many people. Nobody hurt so far, according to the local rumormongers, which is good. You can replace burned-up people, just like you can replace burned-up stuff, but the process takes longer and the outcome is uncertain.

The winds seem to have died down, but it’s always creepy to look at the sky at 9:30 p.m. and see peach-colored clouds and a moon that looks like an orange slice from some kid’s Halloween candy haul.

It’s not the heat, it’s the stupidity

Jeebus. Four days of record-breaking heat in Bibleburg and more on the way. Lord, I know it was supposed to be the fire next time — I just wasn’t expecting it so soon.

Speakings of fires, have I mentioned that we’ve got ’em out the wazoo? Up near Lake George, around Fort Collins, at Pagosa Springs and around Mesa Verde, for starters.

The Springer fire near Lake George is thought to have been human-caused, if you can describe as “human” one or more of the lesser primates banging away at a propane tank with the old smokepole. Yes, that’s the rumor behind the news, as The Firesign Theatre would put it. And the crazier the rumor, the greater the likelihood that it’s true. We also have a serial arsonist lighting up the roadside grasses in Teller County. Good times.

The menagerie and I are left alone to endure this smoky pestilence, Herself having pissed off to Mouse Country for some class of library confab at which they all dress severely, put their hair up in buns and practice the hissing of “Shh!” at each other. Just as well, I suppose, as the metaphorical flames of multiple deadlines are licking around my feet and I can’t seem to stomp them out fast enough, which makes me unpleasant company.

And at least we still have a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out of, unlike a whole bunch of folks up in Larimer County, whose homes are now portable, fitting neatly into their cars’ ashtrays. Makes a shit monsoon feel like a gentle summer rain.

Hail, hail, the bang’s all here

Ice, ice, baby. …

Interesting weather around the ol’ rancheroo lately. One minute it’s hotter than the proverbial hubs of Hell and drier than a popcorn fart, and the next the trees are all sideways and the hail is bucketing down like Someone tipped the bed on a celestial gravel truck.

I don’t even want to think what the trails look like this morning. And from the look of things out the office window, there’s more on the way.

Just as well, I suppose. An unholy convergence of deadlines means I’ll be logging some hard miles in the office chair over the next couple of days instead of sluicing through the goo. And me with three befendered bikes in the garage, too. Oh, the shame.

Meanwhile, I’d say something filthy about what took place in Wisconsin on Tuesday if Charles P. Pierce hadn’t already said it, funnier, better and faster, too. What say we all move to Italy and sponge off Larry and Heather until the Republic comes to its senses?