Foreign affairs

The path to Fountain, Oct. 20, 2012

No, this is not a pleasant rural road — this is a bike path between Bibleburg and Fountain.

Monday served up one helluva wild ride on the Schadenfreude Express.

It began with Texus Maximus going all minimus, from seven Tour de France victories down to two stage wins and a 36th-overall finish in 1995. And it ended with LL Cool Prez making a punk and a chump out of the RomneyBot v2.012, which came off looking like it would get laughed out of a Know-Nothing primary for a school-board seat in Stumpbroke, Mississippi.

The Cyclist Who Shall Not Be Named (TCWSNBN) was always a poor winner and a worse loser, and it must’ve really stung to be called out from the pulpit by Fat Paddy, that braying, gray-flannel bag of porter farts.

Always one to insist that the UCI’s glossy image remain untarnished, via defamation lawsuit if necessary, the blustering bog-trotter took a respite from casting out the big yellow devil to call Tyler Hamilton and Floyd Landis “scumbags.” Before the word had finished leaving his flapping piehole a thousand lawyers had offered their services to the two whistleblowers, and I will be surprised if the suits weren’t filed before the echoes died.

TCWSNBN will need his own army of shysters going forward, as everybody and his granny wants a refund with interest — Amaury Sports Organization, SCA Promotions, the Sunday Times and pretty much anyone who bought his books, bracelets or bullshit. And there’s that dormant federal inquiry, which could wake up if the U.S. attorney suddenly grows a pair.

In point of fact, there was no shortage of shoe leather being applied to the fallen idol over the course of what must have been a very long day indeed. It was only fair, since he was rarely shy about getting his own Nikes into prostrate rivals when he was on top. There’s no point in putting someone on the deck if you’re not going to give them the boot. It’s American as fraud, coercion, intimidation, bribery and perjury.

Speaking of boots, LL Cool Prez kicked the RomneyBot’s ass so hard that it will be tasting shoe leather until Election Day. I was all for skipping this final debate, but Herself insisted on watching, and I’m glad we did, if only to enjoy the ‘Bot’s stammering and sweating. For a while it looked like its hair was pissing on its head to keep its positronic brain from catching fire.

Whether the drubbing will have any effect remains to be seen. Elsewhere on TV highly paid professionals were playing with their balls and Herself and I may have constituted the entire PBS audience. Still, we enjoyed ourselves. I thought at one point that the prez might just lean back, park his dogs on the desk, lace his fingers behind his head, and let the ‘Bot keep digging its own political grave. “Keep it up, never mind me, you’re doing just fine.”

Today it’s back to business as usual. Apple is unleashing a few more must-have toys for anyone who still has a job, the Tour is preparing to announce the route of its centenary event, and I plan to get in one more long ride before the weather goes south.

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17 Responses to “Foreign affairs”

  1. Boz Says:

    After seeing Eddie Munster’s reaction this morning on Today, there must have been 2 debates last night, one that we saw and a cleverly edited one on Faux news. Talk about head in the sand!

  2. khal spencer Says:

    I had to laugh a little about the bayonets and horses comment. Numbers don’t mean much without qualifications and I’m still not sure what the qualitative difference is between 287 ships vs. 316 vs 400. As my friend and LAB-LCI coach Preston Tyree likes to say, “it depends”. What if one of those ships is a nuclear ballistic missile sub? Boomers, as they are called.

    When we were fighting the Huns in the Battle of the Atlantic, we needed hundreds of small escorts to ferry those convoys to the UK in a sea thick with U-Boats. Likewise, we needed a sea of screening escorts to help protect U.S. carriers from incoming ordinance in the Pacific. In those days, huge numbers mattered, given the limited tactical range of surface ships and the primitive nature of long range air cover. A quick perusal of the Intertubes suggests we built roughly 350 destroyers and smaller 450 destroyer escorts to win WW II (maybe more, I stopped looking). That’s 800 small ships. Add those capital and support ships and we were likely in the thousands of navy vessels. Likewise, the other side flooded the sea with U-boats as they were small and slow. But this ain’t 1942 and I doubt we will be fighting two major powers at once. Hope not.

    Back to the present. A single modern nuclear attack (CVAN) aircraft carrier, for example, can carry more hurt and pain than the whole U.S. Pacific Fleet did at the beginning of WW II and has almost unlimited range and high speed. Going back to a WW II analogy, a flight of tactical jets launched from a Nimitz-class platform, armed with cruise missiles, could probably wipe out a convoy from a standoff position scores of miles out.

    So one has to identify the fight and then choose the weapon. If the fight is with pirates off of Africa or Southeast Asia, a resurgent Russia, a restless China, or a cranky Republican Guard, one has to have the right tools as well as the will and skill to use them.

    I didn’t exactly hear much edification from Mittens on who he was going to want to kill with all that floating artillery he wants to build. China? Russia? Somali pirates? Taliban kamikaze fighters on Zodiacs? Let’s ask the hard questions. You can build yourself into bankruptcy if you are not careful. That’s how Ronny Ray-Guns bankrupted the USSR. Not that we are far behind.

    Heck, the Chinese would have to loan us the money to build the things anyway!

    • Steve O Says:

      Not sure if its still true, but not too long ago, the Army had more boats than the Navy. Why? Because airplanes were for bombing cities, not for hauling cargo. Everything was shipped or deployed via boat. My dad shipped off for Vietnam in ’69 on a boat, not plane.

      Ipso ergo therefore, that’s why the navy was so big. Nine out of ten boats were for cargo, not combat.

      Cargo vessels are still important, but not nearly as much so. The M1 Abrahms is about the only thing that has to go by sea, and you don’t see us using them so much, do ya?

      Here’s what I don’t get about the echo chamber. Ryan tossed out the smallest navy line a couple of weeks ago, and everyone said it was a non-starter. So how does Rmoney not get the word? Don’t these guys watch any channel except their own? Scary.

      • khal spencer Says:

        I recall the last time we needed to do heavy lifting by sea, we didn’t have the capacity. The fact that so few ships were U.S. flagged (due to lax standards of “flags of convenience” nations) gets stirred into that pot. Once again, the flight of capital to the lowest bidder gets us in trouble.

      • Steve O Says:

        Same true of air assets. Of my two dozen or so flights from stateside to OIF/OEF, I never once flew a military aircraft. Contracted commercial, every time.

  3. khal spencer Says:

    I saw the Velo article about McQuaid calling Hamilton and Miller “scumbags”. Man, oh, man. One could just substitute Animal House for any story line on cycling these days.

  4. bromasi Says:

    Well said Khal on all posts.

  5. Gordon Says:

    For your viewing pleasure, George Carlin on Lance.

    • Steve O Says:

      Dude was a poet. And fearless.

      Funny … all of these pundits making big bucks … and the three biggest take-downs I ever saw came from George Carlin, Frank Zappa, and Jon Stewart.

  6. brokenlinkjournalism Says:

    Patrick, enough about TCWSNBN and his bum-kissing-Guiness-swiling-Prez of the Bikie Commune…I want to know more about that sweet looking trail in the photo.

    And might I add…comparing Paddy to a Bog Trotter is defamation of one of the greatest Mad Dog Media jerseys in my closet. How dare you, fine sir!!!

    • Patrick O'Grady Says:

      That’s a beaut’, ain’t it? It’s the southern leg of a multipurpose, multiname trail that runs from the Greenland exit on I-25, north of Monument Hill, all the way to Fountain around Fort Carson. Ride south from the DogHaus to its southern terminus and back and you have a 40-something-mile ride. Ride north and you have a 60-mile roundtrip. It’s easily done on a cyclo-cross bike, or a road bike with fat tires — and the southbound leg is largely knucklehead-free. I ride it as often as possible.

  7. The Drop Bag: Running to recovery; Rim2Rim2Rim and hunting | The Active Pursuit Says:

    […] affair and it’s endless stages? Blogger and Velo News editor Patrick O’Grady offers an ideal antidote with his barbed irreverence. “The Cyclist Who Shall Not Be Named (TCWSNBN) was always a poor winner and a worse loser, and […]

  8. bromasi Says:

    A breath of fresh air from George Carlin I sure miss him, he would have a field day with the current bozo’s.

  9. Patrick O'Brien Says:

    Patrick, that was a classic rant. The Old Guys jersey will hit the trail again tomorrow. I wish I could buy another from Voler.
    Thanks!

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